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i fear that all my cries fell upon deaf ears [entries|friends|calendar]

i tried to » give you up... » but i'm addicted.
wash the blood off your hands. this time she won't understand.....
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sweetness...this isnt working [ : 12.09.04 : ]
[ mood | sleepy ]

so im being a lameass today.
all sad and crapp. im stupid.
i shall be happy. one day. haha
okay im happy..kinda.

i need to just get sleep.
i need to lose some of this stupid
ass effing weight.
i need to get my life together.
i need to go shopping with pinky soon. haha
[cus that makes me happy]
i need to find an effin boy who LIKES ME.
okay scratch that. i dont NEED that.
but i'd like it haha.
i need to just be my old happy self.
that is my goal. <3

ooh yeah and i wanna see the guy i met
at the underground..and ask..
"who are you really?"....

i remember when i first saw your face.
you took my breath away and left without
a trace. so here i stand empty handed
point of view.


1 with broken hearts.

i only dream of you. and you never knew. [ : 12.06.04 : ]
heey! so today was funnn!
except for work blaaah. but after work
pinky picked me up and we went to the mall
to find her some cute clothes to wear to
a party she is going to. HAVE FUN!
so after that we stopped by taco bell
and then we went to her house, then headed
back up to the mall to make the purchases. :o)
then i came on home. i am so edxhausted.
i only work 3 hours tomorrow because im
letting sonya have 3 of my hours so she
can have some more money on her check.
she only works like 1 day a week. so im
nice and sharing my money really with her.
haha. so i can sleep in a bit tomorrow!
or atleast try to! sooo im bored and i decided
to do a little survey type thingy. enjoy.

Christmas Time is coming up, name 10
things you would love to get:

1. Counting Crows [greatest hits] cd.
2. James Dean books.
3. James Dean calender. [my old ones almost up!]
4. one of the cute purses from target.
5. Class [on dvd]
6. Roswell Season 2 dvd set.
7. the postal service cd. [teena has mine]
8. half priced books gift card :o)
9. yellowcard dvd
10. a couple mix cds with songs i want :o)

now what do you REALLY want?
...ummm a nice boy to call mine. hahaha

the almost perfect day would be...
let see...Debbie would come out herre, and
Carolyn would too and them + pinky and i
would go to an awesome show.. we'd go see..
Matchbook Romance for debbie :o)
Fob for Pinky :o) Aof for all of us but also
def. for Carolyn! :o) Silverstein, Yellowcard,
My Chemical Romance, Muse and Hawthorne Heights.
[hahaha wow im lame]...then we would run into
some boys not going to name their names..haha
but for debbie that scruffy guy! hehe
We'd end up hanging with these boys after the
show and just having a great time all night.
i think that day would kick ass anyway :o)
there would be more too it but i dont wanna
say too much hehe. <3

who do you miss?
a lot of people. i miss debbie now!! hehe
and i still miss not seeing the m6t boys much.
umm i miss amy lots! and ryan! zach george.
ummm that boy...haha and melanie...and so
many others..some people i dont wanna name. </3>who do you not want to see for a long ass time?</b>
that jack that told me to fuck off.

what is in your cd player now?
my stereo: Counting Crows tribute.
The Early November. + The Postal Service.
my cd walkman: Muse. <3

what about your vcr/dvd player?
Vcr: tape of the latest OC and life as
we know it <3 Dvd: Queer As folk. disc 4!

Whats on your mind tonight?
2 boys.

end this survey with a lyric...

Hopelessly, i'll love you endlessly
Hopelessly, i'll give you everything.
but i wont give you up.
i wont let you down.
i wont leave you falling
if the moment ever comes...

bye kiddies.
6 with broken hearts.

...and it scares the hell out of me. [ : 12.04.04 : ]
man i love muse.
anyway..last night was AMAZING
debbie came from indy..about a 2 1/2 hour
drive or so :o) and her + pinky + i hit it
off! it was so great how there was no
akwardness or weirdness. it's like we
have known eachother forever.

so i cant go through everything that
went on or made me happy haha cus
well i just cant.. but "lover boy"
as debbie likes to call him WASNT there.
haha but i think it was for the better.

i was so happy to see the m6t boys.
i seriously missed every single one of them.
i love them boys so much.
and last night was awesome with the boys.
but zach didnt bring my dvd! jerk.
haha im kidding :o) but if you anyone
wants to come to zachs house with me and
carry me on your shoulders like i just
won a game and hang out..then tell me.
haha that is what zach told me to do.
i have to get fifty ppl. yeeeeah. :o)

but we saw zach george! ah! you guys dont
understand i heart that kid. he is sooo
funny! im so glad we seen him and he talked
to us. i was scurred he was going to hate us.
but nope :o) we gotta see him again soon
and hang out with him! he makes me laugh.
well..he makes himself laugh too haha he's great.

congrats to mint 6 ten for winning! :o)
and thanks zach for the half 100 grand bar
and to josh for some sweet tarts. haha

there is so much more to the night!
but i have to get ready for work!
but go to debbie's journal for the story
on the taco bell adventure and such hehe.

i heart you pinky + debbie!
you are my grrrls! <3
4 with broken hearts.

i'm not breaking down, im breaking out... [ : 12.02.04 : ]
holy jesus.
i was bored...so i figured out that night
i met that guy...remember from the ug?
it has been 110 days....since i met him..
and seen him last. goodness. haha im lame.
i know...but i cant believe its been that
long and he still has the same effect on me
as he did when i met him...

hm. <3
broken hearts.

a long december.... [ : 12.02.04 : ]
tomorrow has to rock like whoa!
debbie [absolutebeauty] is coming down to
cinci! whooo! it's gonna be awesome.
her + i + pinky are going to the loveland
band challenge. it shall be a good time.
i gotta keep a smile on my face..even if
he doenst remember me...oooh yeah that is
right kiddies...that guy might be therre :o)
well he should be therre anyway hehe.
but i dont wanna get my hopes any more up then
they are. but i cant wait. and i went shopping
and bought some clothes. whooo.
[a cute black shirt with yellow stars and pinky
polka dots on it, a shirt with james dean on it.
-it's hot- a pink sweater, a pink/black stripe
sweater and a pair of jeans.] woot.
and the oc is on tonight as well as life
as we know it! <3

good day/night.

ooh yes and pinky showed me this hot pic of
mikey. yep that made my night even brighter.


wish me luck kiddies for tomorrow...
broken hearts.

these words don't seem to pay off... [ : 11.23.04 : ]
hey. so here's for the update.
a lot has happened that i havent
been able to update on.
so i'll try to catch you all up
on what i've been doing.
work is going pretty good, but i've
been sick for the past 2 weeks so
it sucks working when you're sick.
but im better than i was.
and i was sent home twice within
the past 2 weeks for being real sick.
so that sucks, cus im loosing money.
but i'll get over it.

i miss not seeing pinky as much as
i used to. but atleast we get to hang
out when we both can :o) her, ryan
and i went to the mcr/letter kills/apo
show. we didnt have tickets. it was
sold out. [shows used to never sell out
and now that's all they do haha it sucks]
so i wanted pinky + ryan to buy tickets
off of people first...so they did.
well lucky enough i got a free ticket.
i was like "can i hug you?" so the guy
that gave it to me. haha it was nice of
him. i was waay happy. sooo the show..
it was amazing. it was ryan's first
show. how cute haha he had a blast.
saw joe. that's the first time i seen
him since he told me to "fuck off" so it
was weird yet funny in some short of way.
haha. he is one person i dont miss at all.
he was a jerk to me a real jerk. and a
fake ass friend. i dont need that in my life.
but I DO MISS a lot of the people i saw
when i was "friends" with him. anyway..
im off subject haha ryan wanted to stay for
soty so we did, but pinky + i just went up
by the merch booth and bought some stuff.
the soty fans are...umm..i dunno how to
explain it..but they were all screaming
and trying to dance. so funny. mcr was
so amazing, letter kills kicked ass like
always and apo was very awesome like always
as well. :o) after the show we went out back.
there was this kid that was with chris and
jeremy. i wanna know who he is. he was
so awesome and nice. hm.

so the next night, us 3 again went to a show.
we went to the attic..and saw
HAWTHORNE HEIGHTS. can you say finally?
how many times have we missed them now?
haha anyway...they blew me away. it was one
of the most amazing live shows ive seen in
so long. so much energy and it was just
amazing how the crowd interacted with them.
so..we saw zach. its been a while. and
i was probably a bitch to him. cus i didnt
talk to him really. and i told him..
"well you don't talk to me" it's the truth tho.
i felt bad. but i just had to say that.
i felt like since joe started to hate us.
zach just doesnt wanna be friends with us..
wait let me say that different..friends with me.
i gotta deal with it. friends come and go.
and it hurts more than most things. but
it's life. i must deal. but it was good
seeing him for the split second i did.
i really miss the mint 6 ten boys. but im not
in their lives anymore so thats it.
but anyway...the HH show was so much fun except
for a few things.

so lately i've felt a lone.
not alone friends wise. cus i have a few.
but a lone inside.
i hate the feeling. i really do.
and tears come to my eyes so much at night.
i turn on music and a certain lyric
can hit me wrong and tears will just drain
from my eyes. that's how i used to be.
but i thought i was better. but deep down
im not better at all. in some ways im
worse. sorry im rambling.

i still havent seen the guy from the ug.
nor will i EVER?!? ...this lyric reminded me
of him...[i substitued the her/she's for him.]
"again this week is over. i hope
this friday i will find him, hoping he's the
one i've been looking for.
" cus i dunno
i held onto just seeing him once. so its like
i wanna see him again soon and just see if
i still feel something there. cus i know i do now.
does this make sense? haha

im just a sucker.
a loser. a loner.
yeah. that's me. but oh the eff well :o)

im just trying to make it through this
patch in my life. but i am so grateful for
the people i do have in my life that
are there for me and will hang with me and
not say "im boring" or tell me to "fuck off" haha
thanks to ryan, amy and teena + thanks to my
lj buddies and my girl mandie that moved
to gj haha. and most of all thank you pinky.
you are the best. you listen to me complain.
now you should get an award for that shiz. haha
i heart you. you are my best friend. thanks for
everything and for putting up with me. <3
broken hearts.

you're beautiful with trigger pulled... [ : 11.21.04 : ]
kids its been awhile AGAIN!
but soon enough ima have to do
a HUGE update. cus there is
catching up to do. but now i have
to get ready for work AGAIN.

but i have a new background/layout!
whoooooooooo. <3
6 with broken hearts.

breathe in deep..let it out slow... [ : 11.08.04 : ]
hi..its been a bit..
not like anyone cares..
cus half of you didnt even add this
new name of mine. but nothing i can do.

so im here to say just this..


but not anymore.
i need to let him go.
i need to breathe in deep.
then let it out slow..
just like ten says :o)
its going to take a while.
but i gotta take it one day
at a time. im practically out
of his life..so why should i
let him remain and torture mine?
i heart him. god i really do.
but...[here is for some more
early november lyrics..]

4 with broken hearts.

your life lives half a nation away... [ : 11.01.04 : ]
THE USED + ATREYU = TOMORROW FUCKERS</fontsize> whooo hoooo! me so happy haha <3 and i get to hang with pinky! cant wait! seems like its been forever. haha
broken hearts.

the seasons changed.. [ : 10.23.04 : ]
sorry kids. been awhile again.
working working working. yep.
that is what ive been doing. and
when i am off i try to catch up
on some shows. and hang w/ pinkster.
and ryan and others on occasion.
but let me tell you what happened just
the other night. on my off night...

pinky + i were gonna go shopping.
ryan called tho. so we decided
that all of us would hang out...
so he picks us up around 530.
we head to the mall so ryan can
activate the phone lauren let him
buy since his is screwed up.
well he kept leaving us and such.
i told him i had to go shopping
because i needed some pants for work.
whatev. :o) so pinky and i bought
these kid drinks. they were oh so pretty.
they were disgusting. so gross. haha
so i went shopping. got a new skirt.
its pimp. pimp i tell ya. and got some new
pants for work and some cute socks. :o)
so anyway we go to outback to meet up with
steve and eat. that kid is soo effin funny.
so crazy. its great. so ryan met some girl
sarah. steve was giving him crap saying
she was pregnant. or something.
i think ryan got a wee bit mad.
so after outback...we go driving around.
during this time we...
almost hit an owl.
got chased by some guy in a car for a few miles.
and got pulled over.
oh yes. how grand. haha
this story is much longer. but i must go.

dont hate me please. <3
2 with broken hearts.

ba ba ba ba ba barbra annnne [ : 10.15.04 : ]
haha wow. song is stuck in my head.
worked today. it was good.
met new girl ashley.
got to help her out. she is very nice.

and i watched life as we know a few hours
i got home.
god. i keep falling in love with "jonathan"
i mean...
what isnt there to love??
his eyes..
his smile.
his hair is hot.
he's dorky.
he's funny.
[inside and out]
he likes BIG GIRLS. haha
which = me. :o)
his voice drives me insane.
[the good insane]

and there is more. i know i know.
he is a character on some show..
who cares?? haha
he's just how every guy i meet should be haha

but for the hell of it..
here is a pic of "jonathan"
aka chris lowell <3

beautiful. <3
3 with broken hearts.

i know you'll never change.. [ : 10.13.04 : ]
oh geez. i need me some silverstein.
COME BACK HERE. haha god they are effin
amazing. someone take me to a silverstein
show far away from this shitty place i call
my home. and let me bring pinky. haha

your words kill me.
you can breathe without oxygen
and live without sorrow..
how i envy you, though pity your ghost.
ignorance is bliss
i wish i could never love you.
so ironic that a heart made by man,
when broken is easily fixed..
but a human hurt can last a lifetime.

oh the love i have for them. geez <3

on another note..
the two days i asked off in december
so i could go to chicago have been disaproved.
grrrr. but everything happens for a reason.
i just feel bad cus i know seeing fob means
a lot to pinky. i mean me too but so much more
to her. those are her boooys :o)
but we are so going to the cleveland one then!
i dont care. haha <3

and my green ring i always wear broke :o(
and other stupid shit at work happened.
its all rainy too.
but o wells. im in a goooood mood. :o)
and im listening to the postal service now.
god i love them as well.
oh yes i dooooo.

that is all <3
broken hearts.

be different. and be proud of it. <3 [ : 10.12.04 : ]

October 12, 1998

Six years ago today, Matthew Shepard was murdered for being homosexual.

What will you do to end the silence?

Click here to post this on your own page or weblog

and this brings tears to my eyes.
someone dying for being who they are.
who gives a shit if someone is different.
give them a chance.
who cares if some guy is darker than you.
or that girl is a lesbian. WHO GIVES A SHIT?
i sure in the hell dont.
and neither should you.
be yourself.
dont change for anyone.
be proud.
stay strong. <3

edit: i hate working sometimes..
because i find out everything LATE.
superman has passed on sunday...
and NO ONE told me...
if you know me..you know i heart superman.

rip. i heart you. <3
2 with broken hearts.

we got older, but we're still young [ : 10.11.04 : ]
i have a crush.
on a t.v. actor...haha
im so effin lame.
but i fell in love with Chris Lowell's character.
oh yes i did.

life as we know it. <3
loves it.

im off work tomorrow and tuesday now kids.
so woot. get on aim and talk it up with me.
broken hearts.

come on let's go [ : 10.07.04 : ]
[ mood | excited ]

oh wow.
i never get to update anymore.
sorry kids. that actualy read this journal.
pinky + teena + i have been hanging out.
gosh i missed these days.

and tonight =

we prob. wont go in.
but we are gonna have hella fun
singing our song. right pinkster?
and teena is coming. good times we shall have.
like always.

the first time pinky + i
saw TSL was around this time 2 years ago.
its the first night i saw someone.
aw. memories.
and i remember this guy grabbed my hand
and started to ask me ?'s haha like
where i was from and stuff. it was oh
so funny. gosh i love TSL shows.
they are always good times and good
memories to keep.
it will be like our 4th or 5th time
seeing them. gosh sorry im excited.

but im being lazy and wont get
ready. haha

2 with broken hearts.

im a patriot for taking all your shit... [ : 10.02.04 : ]
[ mood | tired ]


my pants ripped at work today.
oh fun. haha

im so effin tired.
worked 2 to 10 last night.
got up and worked 8 to 4 tonight.
tomorrow is another 2 to 10 shift.
and i work monday, tuesday and wed.
as well. so ima be hella tired.
i NEED the money tho. so whatev.

ryan called me today.
wish i had the money to go out.

actually i just wish i had money.
i mean just so i could go to the
shows i used to be able to go to.
and get some new clothes.
but nope. never will have MONEY.
some money sometimes. but not much.

i got my HAIRCUT. chopped OFF.
i'll post pics whenever i can.
cus ya know my camera is screwed.
that is all. <3

heart x jenn

4 with broken hearts.

don't stop the heartbeat counting... [ : 09.29.04 : ]
[ mood | cheerful ]

the other night i hung with teena.
it was so great. we went and bought
so much food, and we fixed pizza
and cookies, ect. and we just sat down
and talked and watched t.v. it was
so awesome. i heart her. i missed her.
i mean yeah i see her at work.
but its not the same. and it was good
hanging out with her.

and that is why im super happy that
i got to hang with her AND pinky tonight.
i got off work and i was talking to teena
and we decided to hang out and i called
pinky. so it was awesome hanging with my
best friend and one of my closest friends
again. like the old days.

last night ryan + pinky + i hung out.
it was a goooood time. ryan can drive
us insane. but we <3 him.
"it just came out of me" hahahaha
wow pinky + ryan will get it.
oh the regis.
we are so awesome.
and that lady in the bathroom haha
god so many good times. i love it.

these are the people im so happy to
have in my life. i dont give a shit
about those stupid fuckers who dick me
over anymore. im glad they dicked me over.
thank you :o) cus i realized who i want
in my life. and its not you FUCKERS. :o)
haha i just like that word.

green day is on right now.
billie joe. my love. <3
in 3rd grade i thought i was going
to marry him. haha im so lame.
but i wont ever forget that.

anyway..work is going gooood.
i didnt get off on the day i
requested off but brandie is working
for me. thank gosh :o) so i get to go
pinky + i get to hear our song.
its been waaay too long.

wow i havent updated this much in awhile.
i mean with this much to say.
ive been lazy. sorry kids.
but you guys DIDNT ADD ME ANYWAY. haha

im kidding <3

i <3 you kids. well most of you.

heart x jenn

3 with broken hearts.

we change the rules around.. [ : 09.25.04 : ]
[ mood | sleepy ]

silverstein was effin awesome.
senses fail. not so great.
they used to be so great like last summer.
but they went down. tis all good tho.
i still love their music. <3

new layout.
same background :o)
thanks to vanity_d0ll for the layout code.
everyone check out her kick ass community.
she has great stuff.

i will have pics up sometime soon.

heart x jenn <3

2 with broken hearts.

i wont be good enough for you [ : 09.23.04 : ]
[ mood | cheerful ]

no one reads this journal. ha
getting new journals can sometime suck
at first. but i like this name a lot.

soo i got a new background and such :o)
so hot. <3

i will update about the show last night
later on. cus as of now i gotta get off
of here and get ready and mom needs the
effin phone. mucho love.

heart x jenn

6 with broken hearts.

i know you'll never change!.... [ : 09.22.04 : ]
ah. i got paid today!
well i almost didnt.
i had to do another step before they
could pay me haha and then it had to
go through the system! thank gosh
it did :o) ms. herman and i were
cracking up at me trying to sign shiz
on the puter its soo messed up and
she was laughing cus i couldnt get
temps because my ss card is laminated haha
guess you just had to be there.
so they couldnt give me a pay check so they
just payed me cash :o) i got like 213 and some
change. pretty good :o) since im actually not
full time :o) anyway...


excitment?...yes indeed there is.
and other great bands. woot. :o)

<3 listen to silverstein and be happy. oh yes.
broken hearts.

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